In the air between London and Malaga writing this and pretty much putting myself out there… I know it’s been a very long time, I lost myself along the way but I am finding my way back little by little getting back on track!! However, changes are being made and I need those to take the next step… Maybe more mentally than anything else, but they need to be made for the evolution I am as a person and as a woman!!!
I put myself aside for quite a time due to circumstances, plans and life… Even though I never realised I did until just a few months ago, but I really did!!! Sometimes when life takes a radical turn and puts you in the most unexpected situation and they punch you lying down, that’s when you actually get it, not before… But it had to happen at one point sooner or later, maybe if it would have happened earlier the crash wouldn’t have been as hard, but I had to learn properly and it took me this long, but better later than never hey… as they say!!
So I’ve gone through one of the worst moments in my life when everything just fell apart and that’s literally speaking… EVERYTHING!!! A broken dream, a broken heart and even a broken soul!!! I’m getting pretty naked here but either take it or leave it… This is my way my road and no one else’s!!! I have to make my own decisions from my heart and from my feelings… I a few months back for about 2 months completely isolated myself to find myself and I chose to not see or listen to anyone because I needed to find my heart again and myself… sounds easy but it’s not!! I am a bit of a lost soul in this world and don’t really know where I belong and why I am here at times but sometimes it’s also super clear… However due to all this, more questions and thoughts come up and you can think I analyse or think too much but that’s just me and I want to have the purpose to get most out of everything and not regret anything later on in life!! Obviously I’m a seeker but I don’t know always what I’m looking for… So this last summer and autumn I’ve had, has somehow made it a lot clearer as sometimes you need a fall to see things clearer!! And even though I do see things clearer somehow, I am also still looking for answers purpose and meanings… I have however found many, but that doesn’t mean I am not lost anymore… because I still am, even though I’ve found answers and meanings… and it hurts, damn it hurts!!! But if you haven’t felt pain you haven’t lived… because that will in the end make you feel what happiness, joy, love and excitement is. They might usually say that if you haven’t loved you haven’t lived but as I said if you haven’t felt the pain you don’t know the difference and that’s when you feel and live… Otherwise you would just be numb and I’m for sure not!!! Even though I wished I had a heart of stone sometimes… not often but just in tiny moments… I am a sensitive person but I can be damn strong too, we all find our inner strength in the worst situations because you have no other choice, if you don’t wanna give up and I don’t!!! I have however had moments, very few in my life, but I have, when I wanted to give up and throw in the towel… but I couldn’t… I guess I am getting the strength from the strong women in my family… Their stories make me don’t wanna give up at all when you put things in perspective!!!
I’ve had an inner fight with myself the months that I isolated myself to the world and even after, but it was good for me as I didn’t want it to come back to me all of a sudden in 3 or 5 or 10 years time because I never processed my feelings and evolution and just blocked everything out. So this has made me come back even stronger and those are the changes I am talking about that I needed, to make me see me and my life as I should and not live in old habits and patterns, the ones that drains me and make me suffer. But of course there are other things too that I should not change because those are me, those are Jenny!!
All this made me loose 10 kilos, which has made me come back to my normal weight, a M, so I feel more comfortable and happier in my body and mind, even though I’ve gone through one of the biggest disappointments and heartbreaks in my life, I am still feeling really good in another way and I guess it shows though, I get a looot of compliments which is obviously lovely, but strange as I am in the situation that I have been feeling so lost and confused and I’m trying still to find where I belong… But I’m a woman of the world and as I’ve said in the past, I might not belong anywhere or everywhere…
Anyway… I’m here, I’m alive and I can feel… So I will continue my journey more experienced, stronger and reaching for my personal goals no matter what this one or that one thinks or says!!! They are my choices and only mine so don’t forget guys be who you are!!! That’s the only way I know how… It’s hard to be judged because you are not like the rest, but you have to live a fulfilling life and you don’t wanna pretend to be someone you are not even in the littlest things, it will not make you happy as you will maybe only satisfy the other person, but you will not feel good and neither feel or act well!! Believe me… I know what it’s like to not fit in the box and I’ve lost people, chances, boyfriends… along the way for being myself. But if you don’t like me the way I really am then you have a choice to leave and it’s ok!! I’ve acted enough in my life and I am a bloody good actress, I even chose that as my profession, but I don’t want to act in my daily life, so I stopped that a few years ago and this is me like it or not… Feeling pretty god damn naked here, but it also feels pretty good to not pretend being someone I’m not!!!
So I’m Jenny Mandera and I hurt and feel pain and god that can be painful at times… However, I also feel happiness, pleasure and love and I give love and joy and I for sure love passionately and that is heaven… and that’s who I am!!!
Ok now to the look.. The wet look is very simple, not much was needed here… A vintage dress, a red lipstick and some black mascara and my golden tan!!!
The dress was one of those dream moments… I saw it in a window in a vintage store in London years ago, but it’s a classic with a touch of a Greek Goddess kinda style, so it will never go out of tune!! I asked to try it on and it fitted perfectly of course so it was mine!!! I’ve worn it on a night out dancing, going out for just a cocktail, a dinner, I’ve had it at a wedding… so it’s very wearable, dress it up or down whatever you want!!
So the super photographer Saray who has taken the pictures came up with the idea of a water session and this is the result… The first time we did it there were too many people out as it was midday, so we planned another session and that day we found a beach to ourselves and with the sun going down it became the perfect wet session light for Jenny Mandera style!!!
Now… I am a Swede so don’t get offended by my nipples (especially on Instagram), as I am topless every summer on the beach anyway, where I can be of course!!! It’s as natural as it is being from Sweden!!! And you gotta embrace what you have boys and girls!!!
Enjoy guys, another wet session will be coming after this one… And thanks for reading of course!!!
Photos are taken by Saray Ramos. Make up and hair is done by me.
I was wearing:
Vintage Dress Traid London